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Misanthropic
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He broke things off.

More later. Just a brief update.
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About two weeks ago, maybe a little less, I was talking with the guy and thought it would be fun to go to a baseball game. That's really the only time I pay attention to baseball. It's boring to watch on TV, and I don't have any opportunities to play. But being at a game is kind of a fun experience.  Anyway, not a day or two later, a friend texts me - but not just me, probably to all her friends, saying she was selling tickets to an upcoming game. Good seats, cheap prices and if we wanted some, we should let her know the next day. So, I told her I'd take two, since they were good seats at good prices.

I let the guy know and he said it might be doable. He has a class Monday and another on Wednesday, so often, Tuesday nights are prep for Wednesday.  As of last week, he was thinking that we were definitely on for the game.  But time passes, things happen and he's kind of behind. Completely understandable. He asked if I was still going to go. Was I going to take someone else with me? I said I wasn't sure.

And I'm not - what should I do? I can't stiff my friend, so regardless, I have to pay for the tickets (he said he'd pay me back for them, but naw, I don't think he should. Why should he?). She and I don't really see each other or talk on any regular sort of basis anymore.  The crowd going tonight will be comprised of her, the guy she's kind of seeing, her family, and her friends. And then it would be me and my empty seat.  For me, the baseball experience is kind of tied to who you are with. My first game was with my mom and some other kids. Second was with my best friend/soon-to-be-boyfriend at the time and we had a great time making funny faces at some kid and completely ignoring the game.  The last time was last summer with I visited a friend in New Mexico. We went to some minor league game and laughed at people all night.

So what should I do? Go to the game "alone" since I paid for the tickets? Try to find someone at the last minute who will come to my house to get them at 6 and then try to make the game at 7? Or just not go?  My feeling is to just not go, yet I feel like the tickets ought to get used since they are paid for. Ugh-ers. I don't know.

Current Mood: confused confused

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Well, 7 dates completed. Yowza! Friday we went to see the Rolling Stones flick "Shine a Light."  My mind is blanking on what we did the date before. Regardless, they both went fine, and this Tuesday, we might catch a baseball game.

But you see, I discovered I have a little problem.....I shared it with my friend Emily yesterday. Side conversations have been cut to spare you. And personal details about my friend have also been removed.




And then we went on and talked about other things. And so, it would be really unfortunate if I messed things up, so I am *trying* to work on this - it's just tough because I'm totally not doing it intentionally. Friday I literally am walking over to meet him, looking forward to seeing him and then as soon as we're in view of each other, it's like CLICK, shut down! I mean, I'm not an ice queen, but I don't totally relax either. So....I hope we get together on Tuesday so I have a chance to improve without stewing over this for a whole week.

Current Mood: worried worried

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Yes, we did have a 5th date. There will be a 6th. I don't know when.

Questions solved - he smokes cigarettes. Very rarely - but still. I'm still 99% sure he smokes pot. He has never slept with a prostitute - in any country. Ha ha. I never brought up the family question.  There's little to no sense in asking that now.

Our date was simple. A nice Friday afternoon lunch and then just kind of hanging out after.

I think he lives a little too dangerously for me to consider any seriously long term situations, but he's a great guy, we have great chemistry and it's nice to finally have a dating experience that I am enjoying!

Current Mood: content content

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Oy,


Person A is wondering if her actions led her astray again.

Current Mood: confused confused

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Wow, four dates.  If the fifth date happens, some records will be broken for sure.

My weekend was quite pleasant.  Spent Saturday with my landlady, looking for fountains for our yard and buying another wardrobe for my room.  After that we went to TGI Fridays where I had the best food. So good.

Sunday, a friend of mine came into town. After lounging around all day, I joined her for dinner at BJs, where I again had some really great food.  I went back home, to where the Israeli would soon be meeting me.  We watched American Gangster, which wasn’t that great, unfortunately. Oh well.  And then he gave me a back rub, which was awesome, because my back was killing me from schlepping  heavy boxes of books and building and moving that wardrobe on my own.  He said “aw, you should have waited for me to come over,” which would have been a good idea, but I’m too cynical to wait around. What if he disappeared into thin air (it’s happened before) and then I was stuck with a wardrobe in the middle of my room, blocking my view of the telly? Fortunately, my back feels better today.

So…..at least from what he’s telling me, he isn’t dating anyone else right now. I didn’t think he was, but you never know. Other important things that need to be found out: does he smoke cigarettes? Does he smoke pot – and if so, how much and how often? How would his family (who he is close to) feel about him dating a non-Israeli, non-Jewish, Black American woman? Hmmmm. Did he sleep with any Thai prostitutes when he was in Thailand? Har har.

 

More pros and cons (stuff I forgot last time I posted):

Pros: Though he probably isn’t ebbing and flowing like I am, we do kind of have a somewhat similar view on the “God issue” – not sure what’s really going on where s/he is concerned, but we do both think everything is a little too intricate to have happened without the hand of intelligent design. Well traveled. Very funny.

Cons: I forgot the cons. Ah well.

 

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How much should you let past experiences dictate your future choices?

Just say you are person A.

Monday, Person A does something. It causes a certain (negative) reaction in Person B.
Thursday, Person A does repeats action. It causes same reaction in Person C.
Sunday, Person A repeats the action again. Person D follows in the footsteps of B and C.

Now, while B, C, and D are all different people and could have, of course, responded in three completely different ways - they pretty much all have the same reaction, with some minor variations. 

So, Person A wonders - Do I keep doing that action, thinking it's the right (or at least okay) thing to do? Or do I change from what I think will be okay and do something completely different, in the hopes of yielding a different result? Essentially choosing head over heart I suppose.
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*Have I mentioned how much I hate the autosave feature? Every time I stop typing, the damn text box moves. So horrible!*
I've been meaning to write about this since date one, but I've just been so distracted. So here are all three dates, broken down for ya.


Date one:
I don't typically respond to posts I see online because I'm not crazy about not knowing who I am writing to. I saw a post that looked interesting, so I figured, "why not?"  The guy wrote back the next day. We literally emailed once or twice before talking on the phone, which typically isn't how I roll (as the kids say). We talked....and talked again. He seemed pretty funny, pretty smart, and he didn't have a stick up his arse (which is really important). After talking this couple of times, he let me know that he wanted to "take me out." I appreciated that. It was clear that this would be a - get this - a date!  So many times these days it's referred to as "hanging out" which to me is lame because if you "hang out" multiple times, what is that? Are you dating? Or are you still hanging out?  Please don't try to make out with me if we're hanging out, because I only hang out with my friends. Lame. So, we made plans to meet for what could be called a really late lunch or a really early dinner.

We met at this little cafe I've recently started dining at. No matter how confident I manage to come across, I am always as nervous as poo on these first date things. But he was very easygoing, funny. He liked the food (which, I love the food, but there is always this nervousness around recommending a place and having the other person hate it). It went so well, I actually let him drive me home - whoa. I gave him a hug and wondered if I'd see him again. You never know.

Date two:
We talked a couple more times, officially making him the person I have talked to most on the phone in 2008, aside from my mother. Geeze. We decided to go see "U2: The Experience" the big ID IMAX U2 concert movie. So, we met up for the movie, which was good, and then had dinner at the Hard Rock. He drove me home and we smooched a little in his car. He has a very different style of kissing that what I prefer. So I thought to myself that that might have to change a little if we are to continue kissing in the future.

It was only 9PM, so I decided to visit my landlady for a while. She was having a small party, so I knew that she and others would still be up. I knocked on the door. They let me in. And my landlady says "I see your date went well." - We totally got caught! Not that we were really doing anything, but to me it was hilarious because I never had any junior high or high school make-out-get-caught situations, so this was pretty funny. She and several of her friends had noticed us outside and thought "what the hell is that?" Then apparently at some point I turned around and she saw my face. So so funny.

Date three:
Last night - we went bowling! I have never been bowling in my life! Every time a bowling situation comes up, something either goes wrong, or I chicken out.  I was really sweating it last night. I put on a t-shirt and sweat through the pits. So I put on a sweater. I worried about picking the wrong bowling alley (because, what did I know about bowling alleys). I worried about doing something I could fail in a major way at. But whatever.

He came to pick me up, and we stopped at a taco truck for some street tacos - yay!! My kind of dinner. We then proceeded to the bowling alley. Cutting the story of that short - I bowled an 89 my first game EVER.  I"m better than Obama!!! Did he throw gutter balls the entire time or what? So, now I just want to bowl every day for the rest of my life. I did not fail at bowling.  I feel so much better.

After the date, we smooched in his car and talked for a while. We decided that we would have half Jewish, half black sons and they would be the next generation of Lenny Kravitz-es. I said I would be a very proud mom. Please, worry not, we weren't having a serious conversation about having kids - on our third date. It was all very funny.

So, I like the dude. Here are the pros and cons I have come up with - because that's what I do.

Pros: smart, funny, employed, takes care of himself, takes me on "dates", wants to spend time with me and has directly expressed that. He's very open. Oh, and the Israeli accent.
Cons: I sense he might smoke pot (so that then takes work on my part to find out how much and how often and if I, for the first time, would consider dating someone who smokes). He answered his phone once while we were bowling (that bugs me), we're out of sync on the kissing thing.  

For some reason, I thought I could come up with more pros and cons....but that's all I can think of for now.

Fourth Date? Saturday? Maybe.        
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....she just celebrated her 113th birthday. Wow! Congrats to her, but personally....I'm not interested in living that long!

Can you imagine though? She was born in 1895! Think of all the things that have been invented since then that she's seen. Wow!
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So, I ended up joining the guy I totally dig (see previous post) on his trip to Glendale to check out a hydrogen generator. It was a gorgeous day out - the weather was perfect. We talked and laughed all the way there and then on the way to coffee, on me. Well, coffee for him, smoothie for me.

We talked for a while until it was time to head up north. I walked him back to his car, and hugged him.  I will tell you exactly what I said and exactly what he said.

me (as we are hugging): drive safe. let me know if you're down again. I like hanging out with you.
him: thanks for the coffee
(hug)

what?

WHAT?

Though I was not expecting a confession of love (though I would not reject it!) I thought I *might* get a little more than THANKS FOR THE COFFEE. So........needless to say, I've felt a little weird. Again, not expecting love here, but almost every time we've gotten together, he's gone out of the way to get to me. We seem to have a good time when we're together. He's the one who invited me to go to Glendale! I didn't even know he was in L.A.!

I would even tell a friend I don't see often that I like hanging out with them - I do as a matter of fact! So I mean, even in a friendly way, I didn't really feel a reciprocation.  So, I've thought that either
(a) he didnt hear what I said
(b)I said something over coffee that made him think I was a complete nut that he wouldnt want to see or talk to again
(c)he's just not good at expressing emotions - regardless of that nature or where they are on the spectrum of positive to negative.

So, that's where it is.  One friend says I shouldn't contact him again until I hear from him.  Another friend, who knows quite a bit about what I am looking for in a guy, says I should tell him how I feel - at least just to get it off my chest.

Ugh. What do you think?
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Last date update: Did I ever hear back from the last guy I went on a date with? Any calls or emails? Nope. Do I mind? Eh, not really.

Last summer, I connected with a cute guy online. We were supposed to meet for coffee. I got dressed, had my purse in hand, and then suddenly chickened out.  Why? No bad vibe from the guy, and he was cute. Plus, I'd met people online before. So, what was the big deal? I don't know. But I canceled and made up some excuse. I know, lying is bad.

Soon after canceling that date, he got excepted into a program in Arizona. He said it was too bad we didn't get to meet before he moved, but that he'd be back in town and maybe we could get together then. Boy, I felt like an idiot.  So, for the next two months or so, we emailed a handful of times and started texting.  Around Labor Day weekend, he said he'd be back in town. We met up at a little cafe in Pasadena.  He was cuter than his picture. He didn't say a lot.  These two things made me think we'd never see each other again.  But then, the very same weekend, we went out for a movie. Boy, did I think he was cute!

He was a very sweet guy, very interesting, on the adventurous side (in my opinion), active lifestyle, super healthy diet, not a materialistic bone in his body. AND he started going to church at the age for 30. Who does that any more? I've pretty much stopped going to church and all of that, but I still found that to be a kind of neat thing. Man, did I wish he was still living in LA full time!

We proceeded to text and send short emails occasionally and we'd see each other every few weeks when he came in to town. He'd come back to take care of his grandma, who wasn't doing so well. Isn't that sweet? Anyway....our meetings continued until about Thanksgiving. I think I saw him that weekend actually, and we ate my mom's leftovers. We never really emailed much (he doesn't check email as often as I do...but then again, who does?) and we didn't text much. But we did exchange Christmas messages.

Then in late January, I just wrote a "hey, how are you?" email. Very brief. He wrote back, said he was almost done with the additional certification program he was going through, no job had come through yet - and he had started dating someone.   SUCK!!  Of course, that was a let down for me, but I took it amazingly well. I was actually happy for the guy. He seemed like such a good guy. So that was that. I figured I'd never talk to him again.

So, last night, bored out of my mind and in the process of making an order from Dominos Pizza online for the second night in a row, I saw him on my gmail chat indicator. Not since we first connected had I ever seen that, so it was like a reflex to IM him. I figured, he's in Arizona, he's dating someone, no harm.  My intent was to find out if he found a job and how his grandmother was. After about 15 minutes, having figured he wasn't going to write back - he did.

We started to chat, he said everything was going well. And the he asked me if I wanted to go to Glendale with him on Sunday. Huh?  It was weird either way, but considering there's a Glendale in AZ, I asked "california or arizona?" his response was "oh yeah - sorry. I'm in LA now. Glendale, CA" Crap, he was in L.A. I said I'd go with him (he wants/wanted to look into getting a hydrogen generator for his truck), and we continued to chat. He asked what I was doing, and I confessed that I was ordering from Dominos, but that the order included a salad, and that I planned on watching one of the movies from Netflix that had been sitting at my place for two weeks.  Somehow, we ended up deciding that he would come over later to eat pizza and watch a movie with me. What? The guy I never thought I'd see again.

So, he came over, we talked for a while, and then watched "City of God," which he had already seen, until 2 in the morning. And then he left. He told me that he had just arrived in LA a couple of days ago and had officially left Arizona. He'll probably be moving to Tahoe, which is in California, but a friend of mine said it was a 10 hour drive. Where he was in Arizona was 6 hours away. So....technically nothing has changed.

Admittedly, I'm feeling kind of weird. It's not like I planned anything, and clearly he didn't either. We both happened to be logged into Gmail at the same time! In some ways, I wish he hadn't told me he'd moved back and all that junk. Because now I'm back in the "I want to see him" mode, when I had moved on entirely. It wasn't wrong to see him yesterday, was it? He's single, I'm single. I mean it was all friendly, and he's such a great guy. But now he's on my mind again - which is pretty pointless unless he's living in L.A. and is feeling the same way that I am.

Poop.

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Current Location: Home - of course...
Current Mood: confused confused

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Wow, do I HATE the LJ autosave feature.  Now, I love autosave - but I hate how LJ does it.  As soon as I stop typing, the screen moves back to the top! This not a problem with a short post like this....but with that last post I wrote, it's kind of nuts. And more annoying than it probably is for others. But it's little things like that that become a hassle and detractor for me. I might have to compose my entries in Notepad or something...Ack, too many steps.

Current Mood: cranky cranky

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So, using an online method, a guy sent me an email. He seemed cute, and decent enough, so I engaged him in conversation.  Let's call him D.R. He said he used to smoke pot - I found the "used to" to be a good thing. I'm not into the pot smoking in people I could be romantical with. If my friends wanna do it - fine, do what you want, even though I think it's dumb. These days, I think 95% of my friends are drug free, so no big deal. But no hard drinking or any drug use for the special men, ok?

So, we went back and forth, giving up little details and such about ourselves, but I wasn't bowled over. I didn't think "I *have* to meet this guy."  But I figured it would be worth it, and he wanted to meet. But when I realized that we did not have the same email schedule and it would take days to figure out a time and place (Id say picking the day spanned two days). I said "Look, let's make it simple. Let's meet on Thursday night at XYZ at 8. Ok?"  It sounded pushy in my head, but who knows how he read it. He said it sounded perfect...and so, the date was set.

I felt halfhearted about the date pretty much until I met him and we walked in the door. I don't know what it was - maybe that I hadn't been enthusiastic about our emails. It was also probably the fact that I have been on a lot of first dates lately. It gets kind of old sharing the same....old....details about yourself. I should just tape record it and play it back. But I got dressed and made myself get out of the house.

When you meet someone in person that you met online...there's always the gamble of "ok, so do they really look like their picture."  The consensus is that my picture is accurate, aside from my glasses, which I don't take pictures in.  So, I show up and the guy is....shorter than I expected. I am not one of those people who cares about height BUT, I put on high heeled boots tonight...I'm usually a flats girl. So in my head I was like "great, I hope he's not sensitive about his height." And he wasn't what I expected based on the picture, but that's usually the case, so no huge deal. I made sure to keep my hands in my coat pockets (which could be easily played off because it was freezing outside) because I didn't want him to attempt to shake my hand. First off, I am a hugger, but second of all, nothing screams BLIND DATE in a public place more than a handshake.

We sat down for dinner, and worked our way through my job, my family, my groups. We talked about religion. We talked about politics. We dabbled in movies, but he hadn't seen most of the things I tossed out, so I figured we'd better abandon that subject. We talked about music, his family, our college experiences. I was just about done (not in a bad way) when he asked if I was interested in walking around. I said sure, even though I had no desire to take a walk. We got outside and it was raining. So....we went to a bar instead.  I had him take us to the Woods, where I went on a blind date with someone else (I didn't mention this, of course).  I'm not big on bars because I'm not big on drinking, but that place is low-key enough. 

We continued the conversation at the bar. I don't remember what we talked about.  Honestly, for a first date, I think it went a little too long. If it was dinner and a movie, that'd be different. But it was really just talking from about 8pm to 11:45 pm. I wasn't bored....it was just... a lot.

Funny thing was, some girl had two tables at the bar blocked off with "reserved" signs. There were lots of pink balloons, ribbons, confetti.  I found it strange. I'm sure lots of people go to bars on their birthdays...but I didn't think they threw the party AT the bar.  At first the girl was cuddled up with her man, looking all birthday girl special happy. She had on a cute black dress...and a tiara. She was one of those girls (I've never had a princess mentality. Maybe that's a bad thing.). As time passed, she had friends show up and she had the bartender snap pictures. "Those are going to end up on MySpace," I thought. But mostly, by the end of the night, I was just wildly jealous of the girl. I'm wildly jealous of anyone who can easily get their friends together. I don't know what it is about my friends. I don't ask for a lot, but getting them to come to something I'm doing (a rare occurence) , is like pulling teeth. MY birthday comes to mind. All I wanted to do was get a couple of friends together and go out for a decent dinner. Haha, obviously I was on crack. One person. So I canceled it.  I threw a holiday party with a friend of mine (that one person from my birthday), and invited tons of people - mainly knowing that few, if any, would show up.  I was amazed to get 3 - and they weren't even 3 of my closest friends - what the hell?

So, after a while, the bar was annoying for me because of birthday girl. But I was also tired. So we headed out, and D.R. seems to want a second date. I'm pretty sure I'm up for it. But I've also been on enough first dates that didn't lead to second dates to not expect anything until we are actually ON the second date.

So, we'll see what happens.

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Ok, I have to be honest about the revival of this LJ.

Don't get me wrong - it's good to be back. It's kind of funny actually. Just logging in brought back all sorts of great feelings and wonderful memories.

But I was chatting with one of my old LJ buddies, talking to her about the trials and tribulations of my dating life - and she suggested that I bring it to LJ.  :)

It's actually a good way of getting things out about these...interesting...dates I've been on. And usually the dates bring musings on other things going on in my life. 

It's funny, I have my other blog - cogentdiversion.com - but I never really get too personal here. I used to get VERY personal here on LJ. I think part of it was being able to have friends - only posts. And I probably won't link from that blog here. And now, I have a blog for business too!! But I don't link that to any of my person blogs.

Anyway, I'm getting off topic.  I've been dating for...well over a year now. God, I have some stories. I couldn't possibly back track (and would you want me to?). But I'll share new things and past dates that stand out.

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Current Mood: amused amused

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List three things you'd buy with your last $20. One practical, one frivolous and one of your choosing.

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Practical - gas for my car
Frivolous - as much sprite as I can get for $20
My choosing - Once - DVD and CD (I'd have to get them used on ebay or at amoeba or something)

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Two and a half years away...and now I'm back.


Anybody out there???
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I went home yesterday in preparation for the wedding of a long time friend of my mothers.

Friday went ok. I watched the benefit concert for Katrina, then watched an hour of Fashion Rocks...which was kind of weird, because I didnt see anything about fashion until the Duran Duran portion of the show when some models came out. Other than that it was back to back musical performances...which was fine with me because I dont give a crap about fashion.

after that, I watch colin powell on 20/20 and went to bed.

Then came this morning...

My mom wanted to "talk", so she banned the internet for the rest of the day. BOOOO. She wants me to go to Chicago. You think thats random? Think about how I felt!!! What the heck?
"I'm NOT going to Chicago...you've got to be kidding me" she told me I should leave school and go stay with my aunt and uncle out there and help them with their mom and blah blah blah. I said forget it...everyone wanted me back in school. Im here now. I hate it, but Im here, and thats it.
Then somehow the conversation turned to my friend Dave and I had to talk about him forever. Then it was about another person, and then about relationships, and about blah blah blah.

Then, on the way to the wedding she had to keep talking. Then after the wedding she kept talking. Once we got back to her place, she got upset to the point of tears and told me she didnt want me to leave (as in heading back to school), because she sees how tired I am and how I dont have joy like other gals my age. And im thinking "DUH!" I have no joy whatsoever. I have happy moments on occasion but thats about it. Im glad she sees it at this point, but now Im in school, so Im going to pretend to be happy about it and maybe as a result I might actually become happy. Who knows. Miracles happen supposedly.

I feel bad that she feels bad, but I really don't see an option where both of us will be satisfied, so I might as well stay where I am and trudge through it.

Current Mood: tired tired

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Well, I'm a senior now. Whoopdie do. What I feel like is a senior citizen. I feel like I've been here for a lifetime. And I probably wont graduate in may, so that doesn't help either.

this morning I was standing outside of one of my classes, waiting for the prof, watching people walk by. You can tell who the freshman are...they walk with purpose but their eyes tell a different story as they look furiously left and right trying to make sure they are going in the right direction.

You can also tell who the freshman are because they immediately ask where you are from, and if you are from a place near each other, the next question is always "where did you go to high school?" Its almost amusing to watch groups of them meet each other. Almost.

I remember what it was like to have energy on the first day of class. That seems like ages ago.

So far, I hate the one class I went to yesterday. My online class is going to kill me. My prof for the class this morning is on the East Coast, so we were given a syllabus by the department secretary and released within 10 minutes. So, 3 down, 3 to go.

Excited? Me? Not hardly.

Current Mood: bored bored

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the PA internship is over and Im back in California. Back to my boring nothingness of a life - but at least its a lame existence being spent in california!

Im going to chicago for a wedding for a couple of days and I'll be back next week.

Oh, and happy belated 5-year livejournal anniversary to me!
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Remember this entry from last year?

http://www.livejournal.com/users/awccmfan/362634.html

What a freakin' way to come full circle. I mean really. I woke up this morning and realized that this happened exactly a year a go.
Then this happened: http://www.livejournal.com/users/awccmfan/365496.html

Yesterday the two of us talked on the phone and had a repeat of our final conversation and "maybe next time" stuff
(http://www.livejournal.com/users/awccmfan/370893.html) but this time I wasn't driving, I wasn't crying, and it was over the phone. what a motherf*ing trip....
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Could I Be More Confused?
User: awccmfan
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